I have always maintained that choice is what defines us as human beings. Everything, in my mind, can be traced back the choices I make. Even action is motivated by what you choose to do, because in order to do anything first you have to make the choice. That is the great thing about being human, we get the chance to chose who and what we are to become,choices from the past, shadow the choices I will make in the future. It is my hope that with every choice I learn something new, carve out a new path. It has turned into an up hill battle. One full of heart ache and sorrow. A torturous journey. Strength is born from struggle though, and if I am ever able to reach the summit, I pray that I will be able to bear the weight.
I am late getting this post up because I was forced to evaluate some of my past decisions this weekend. I know I didn't make all the right ones, but I did gain some valuable insight into why I make those choices, so once more down the rabbit hole I go...
There has always been a darkness welling up in the corners of my mind. It whispers in the nigh, filling my mind with things that I should not do. I like to compare it to a beast, always scratching right under the surface waiting to be unleasahed. I can feel it watching me when I close my eyes, and I fight to keep it under control. Sometimes I win the fight, and sometimes I lose, but I continue fighting.
The worst part of this darkness, is that it is part of me, it is that part that I am most comfortable with.,. When the scratching becomes unbearable, I choose to peel back my skin and let the monster out. Once that choice is made I can feel myself relaxing, Sinking into the shadows, I bear my teeth and start hunting. This is also a choice. I can sense the dark in other people, I can feel the pain they are masking, because it is the same pain I feel, a buried anger someone is hiding with a smile. The loneliness one feels in a crowded room... I can sense it. These things feed that beast, Not satisfied until the misery is accommodated and accompanied.
Paul said that the things he desired to do he did not do, and the things he didn't want to do are the things that he did. I can relate to this sentiment whole heatedly. There is something twisted in my brain that drives me to that dark. I can spend weeks living the way I know I should, but it is a struggle, and that struggle is real. Strangely I crave the destruction. I am so used to failing that I feel more secure when I am losing.
I can pin point the second I make the decision to release the beast every time it happens. An idea will pop into my head, when it forms, I instantly know it is not a good idea, and I do mean instantly. I will dismiss it, but once the seed is planted it is almost to late, I say almost because there are times that I win the fight, but that is rare. It sits there and percolates, growing from a whisper into a scream that resembles a siren, blocking out any other noise. It takes over my thoughts, lying to me telling me it will be so much fun, bringing up the one time that it was actually fun. 9 times out of 10 it turns out just the way I think it will, not fun, ending in shame or guilt, but I constantly reminded of the one time that it all seemed worth it. I embellish that one memory, until it is so real, I am convinced that that one time was actually all 10 times, It is not till the fog is lifted, that i realize the consequences and weight of my actions.
I usually wake up drenched in guilt. barely able to look at myself in the mirror, It doesn't matter if the choice I made was one related to drugs, alcohol, or another person, my hypocrisy is the only thing in the mirror. Usually I have punished my body in some way, and wake up feeling the effects. I crave this as much as the depravity I enacted earlier. In some twisted way I feel closer to God when I have knocked myself down. The pain, whether physical or mental, is my penitence, a deserved punishment.
The best part of all this(heavy sarcasm), is again that I chose it. Realizing this had been hard for me. No one wants to admit they chose to live in filth, but I do on a daily basis. I hide it well. Everything you see about me is a lie. The way I look is tailored to hide that darkness. An intricate illusion, designed to draw you in. Blind you to what you really see. My cloths appear expensive, my walk portrays confidence, my wallet is full and ready to be spent (even if it is every penny I have to my name), because to me, if I appear successful you will like me, if only for a night.
This darkness has a hold on me, it is the first voice I hear in the morning, it is the last one I hear at night. It fuels my doubt, and tells me that I will never be good enough. It tells me that I don't deserve love. It drives me to violence. If I am bloodied on the outside, it alleviates the ugliness I feel on the inside, bringing the fight outside of my mind. In my head it allows a glimpse of the truth, it allows a peak behind the curtain, it is a cry for help that is often unseen, and even if it is, shrugged off and covered up.
Facing this hypocrisy is also a choice. The dark is most dangerous when I am living the way I know I should, and the times I fall are always proceeded pride. I start to think that I am untouchable. Arrogance creeps in, telling me that God would be proud of me. It is some what of an oxymoron, taking pride in humility. When this happens I justify my trips back to the shadows, telling myself that I deserve to get fucked up, or having sex one time is five months is acceptable. If I only do cocaine once a year, I don't have a problem. If I smoke that bowl I will be able to laugh. If I have sex with that person, I will get a taste of love, even if it is a bitter one..
This is the life that I have chosen in the past. I have never truly taken responsibility for these choices. I have always blamed it on the darkness. What I have failed to realize it that this darkness is not outside of myself, it is part of me, intertwined with my being. It is in my very nature. That doesn't mean it has to win. It just means I need to work up the courage to step into the light... It might be time to invest in a good pair of sunglasses , cause its about to get bright.
-Micah
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