This is a hard subject for me to talk about. Sex is my drug of choice, and I have done a lot of drugs. Nothing gets me higher than another human being, I have taken the most beautiful thing in the world and twisted it to the point that I am not sure that I even know how to do it right anymore. It is the act of physical love, but I lost the love part somewhere along the line, confusing lust for love. When I was younger I thought the world was going to end before I got the chance to see what the big deal was, so I made it my mission to find out. If there is one choice in my life I could take back, it would be that night, and I have tried meth.
I wish I had know the weight of the action before I took it upon myself to try it. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, that is a natural law. My reaction was craving more and more of it. It has ruined every relationship I have ever been in. Not because sex is a bad thing, in fact it is quite the opposite, but because I didn't understand the repercussions it would have on me and my unknowing victims. It is like a child playing with a loaded gun, sooner or later it is going to blow up in your face. For the most part, I have been lucky, and even when there where consequences, (my son), God used it as a blessing, I have never gotten a disease and never been a home wrecker, at least to my knowledge.
As far as emotional pain goes I am a wreck. I have been in love two times in my life, and both times the relationships failed because of sex. The first time I was 18, she was 24 and I was head over heals. She was truly my first love, the one that I will never forget. We spent an entire summer together, side by side. She was my everything, all I thought about.
We used to sit around, just the two of us and play a game that we called the best friend game. It wasn't really even a game. I would ask her five questions about myself, and then she would do the same, Whomever got the most questions about the other person right won the game. I knew everything I could about her, and she new everything about me. We were inseparable. The best part is we never had sex, there was a lot of kissing, and some pretty heavy petting, but no sex, the genitals were off limits, and we were both ok with that be cause we didn't need sex to define the relationship.
Summer ended and she had to leave town one weekend. My friends, at the time were pretty excited about this, because they had not seen me all summer. If I had a spare moment I was with her. My buddy had a party that weekend. I should have known better. Every one of my friends knew that we were not "doing it", it was funny to them, we were all young and they were all busy sowing their seed, Cause everyone knows that is how teenage boys become "men."
I was not much of a drinker back then so after about 4 beers I was feeling pretty good, of course I didn't stop at 4, and by the end of the night I was shitfaced, like barely knew my own name shitfaced. I went upstairs to pass out, but before I did I said something to one of the girls that was in attendance. I have never been Rico Suave, and I can only imagine what i sounded like as drunk as I was.
I stumble up the steps and fell into the bed, never thinking in a million years that what I had said would work. I don't know for sure how long I laid there before she came in. One thing led to another and before I knew it the whole thing was over. I was sober almost instantly. I instantly felt dirty. I had to leave the room. I went outside, and just started pacing. It was four o'clock in the morning, I wanted to call the girl I loved so much, so bad;y, but I didn't want to wake her up, I was so considerate. I know I shouldn't have now, but I got in my car an just started driving around, every ditch looked inviting, I didn't want to be alive anymore.
I drove around for an hour and a half, I couldn't take it anymore. I called her, it felt like the phone rang forever... she didn't pick up, I instantly hit redial. Ring... Ring...Rin "Hello?"
I could tell she had been sleeping, she sounded happy to hear from me. I tried as hard as i could to stop myself but the words came pouring out of my mouth before I could, I told her everything and begged for forgiveness. I hoped against hope, but I also knew the rules. She was crying as she told me she never wanted to talk to me again, and to this day she has kept her word. It destroyed me. Breathing hurt, I crawled into a hole for a year, doing nothing but going to work and right home, it was a struggle to stay alive.
By the time I met the second woman that I would fall in love with I was considerably more "experienced". I had become quite the pick up artist, not caring who I slept with, just trying to find some kind of connection, even if it only lasted a night.She caught my eye right away, she was stunning and we hit it off. I decided I wanted to take it slow with her, so we waited a whole week before we went for it. Things were great for the first six months, but then we started using sex as a crutch, trying to prop up a sinking ship, we would fight, and instead of solving the problem we went to the bed room. This only masked the problem and 2 or 3 days later we were at it again, eventually it became a weapon that we would use against each other, something it was never intended to be. We were always great in the bed room, it was the rest of the relationship that we couldn't figure out. By the end of it we all but hated each other.
These are just 2 examples and there are many more. With each encounter I took something from my partner, and they took something from me. These are parts that I can and will never get back. I will carry the memories with me for the rest of my life, but now I fear that I will never be able to enjoy sex the way it was supposed to be enjoyed, between one man and one women. It will take a very special woman to over look my past and I hope I find her one day. The flip side of that coin is that I will be able to over look any past she has, seeing as I have absolutely no room to judge. I do believe that God put the desire to be married in my heart and I have faith that my future bride is out there waiting for me to find her. It has been a hard lesson to learn, but I think i am finally starting to get it.
-Micah
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