What is love? Is it a chain of chemical reactions, a natural release of endorphin's...? Can it be boiled down to brain chemistry and physiology? That seems a little simple to me... Call me old fashion, but I believe in soul mates. A hopeless romantic, I search for my other half everyday. I can feel her calling my name, and when I find her I will know. I have never been so ready.
As far back as I can remember all I have ever wanted is to get married. I have not been sitting around planning my wedding or anything, but I have been thinking about the future Mrs, Bruggom every day for the last twenty-eight years. I don't know what she looks like but I can imagine the sound of her laughter. I don't know what color her eyes will be, but I know how they will look at me. I don't know if she will be tall or short, but I know that won't matter. I don't know if she will have glasses, but I know I will want to see the world through her eyes.
Somewhere along the way I got confused. I got hurt, and put up walls. I became scared of the thing that I wanted most of all. In that confusion I hurt the one that cared for me more than anyone. The breakups that matter are the ones that leave you broken, feeling like you can't go on. The ones that leave you gasping for air. The ones you never really get over, you just learn to live with yourself, knowing that things will never go back to how they where. The ones where you would give anything and everything to get that person back. Your only hope, is that maybe, you learned something that you can take to the next relationship, if you have the courage to get back in the saddle.
My first heartbreak was terrible, but I also learned the most basic of lessons. Don't cheat, it's not worth the pain and shame. It is also difficult to keep the lie going. It was a hard, but valuable lesson to learn. To this day, even years later, I am still disgusted with myself.
My second heartbreak was full of smaller, more complex lessons. We kept the relationship alive through the most stressful time in my life. We were young, trying to make it on our own. We met by accident. but I took one look into her eyes, and she had me. I would have followed her to the end of the earth. I remember telling her that she was out of my league. I didn't have much, but I knew how to work with what I had.
I was a tattoo artist at the time, and love it or hate it, I was kind of a rock star. I lived in a small house in a tiny town, miles away from the bar, one of my favorite hang outs. I liked being at there, at the bar, so much that I got a job as a door guy at one of my favorite haunts. This will forever be one of my favorite jobs. I love to people watch and being a door guy, you see all kinds. More importantly, though, if I had not worked there, I never would have met her.
She was gorgeous, and she knew it. Knowing how to work a smile, talking with her eyes. She was not cold and distant, as some people are, instead she was soft and warm. She was very easy to talk to, almost inviting. She came out to smoke once every 10 minutes, admitting she was just looking for a reason to talk to me, and I obliged her. It was strange to me, I had recently lost over 100 pounds, and was not used to being noticed.
After that night we started hanging out pretty regularly, I would take her on dates to the amusement park. I could feel myself falling hard. I would find excuses to stay and sleep with her, both cuddled up on a love seat that was so small we had to recline it to fit. It was so uncomfortable but neither one of us wanted to move. Days turned into weeks. Weeks grew into months, time flew by. We had some speed bumps. but it felt like nothing could break us, and with each day my feelings grew deeper.
We became best friends. I enjoyed watching a\ movies and hanging out on the couch, as much as, if not more than going out. She made me laugh and I made her laugh, we didn't have much, but I felt like we were building something together.
Eventually though, things took a turn. Drama surrounded the tattoo shop, there was a lot of back stabbing and rumors of a personal nature started to circulate, I was no longer happy doing what I loved. I had been thinking of taking a step back for some time, something happened on my birthday that solidified the thought. I was in Oklahoma visiting my brother when I got a call telling me to look up a page on Facebook, it was a group someone had started called "no more Micah tattoos".
I was panicked, unsure what the future held, but also knowing that I was probably done tattooing, a daunting thought. I had grown close to the people that I worked with and leaving the establishment was a heartbreaking endeavor. She was the first person I called. She was calm, cool, and collect on the other end of the phone.Her voice soothing the pain I was feeling. We decided that it was time to move on.
I had known for a while that she wanted to move, so without thinking I sprang into action. I called the University of Iowa on a Friday, visited the campus the following Monday, and was accepted that same day. I was so excited I could barely hold it in as I called her.
She picked up and I started talking and couldn't stop until I had spit it all out. I was expecting her to be happy and excited, she was not. I had forgotten one very important step in my excitement, and that was talking to her... about any of it. I assumed that she would jump at the chance to follow my lead, and let me drag her away. I had not considered her feelings one bit. She pleaded with me all summer, Telling me it was a bad idea, but I was blinded by the possibilities that the future held, how could anything go wrong?
She tried to warn me, that it was not good timing, that we needed to plan it out. There were nights that I would twist her words and make her the bad guy. At times making her cry with my words. Playing the perfect victim I took shots at her. Partly because I was doing a poor job dealing with the rejection I felt from the tattoo shop and surrounding community, I couldn't wait to leave, to run from my problem. She knew this, and I should have listened.
I made some life long friends while I was there, but the only thing I learned in college, was how to do cocaine. I wanted so desperately to do well in school, but I was scared of failing again and old habits slithered back in. I hid all of this from her. I stropped communicating, and started lashing out. Throwing all the anger I felt towards myself, right in her face. She took as much as she could, but a person can only take so much. and eventually I pushed her right out the door.
She left, but was not ready for it to be over. She still saw some thing in me, even after all the abuse, still wanting to mend the relationship. I was so lost in my own self pity that I didn't see what I was doing to her. I had neglected her beauty, I forgot that I was supposed take care of her, not the other way around.
I went into a downward spiral after we broke up, diving into the bottle, going to class even less, doing more drugs. I just wanted to be numb, to everything and every one. I was failing and broke, I needed my mommy.
Over spring break I went home to see my family. She had moved back and I knew I would see her. I was so desperate to feel alive with her again that I came at her hard, trying to mask all the pain I had been hiding. I couldn't contain it and by the end of the week I had burned anything that was left of a bridge. I had also decided, that maybe, just maybe, it was time to go to rehab. I wasn't going make it much longer if I kept down the same path.
Rehab was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I sobered up and faced some things, I met some great people, and for the first time, looked forward to taking a drug test. I came out with a clear mind and a plan. I moved back home and got a job. I knew she would be around, and I knew that we would not be able to resist each other, no matter what happened.
We were drawn back together, and it did not take me long to fall into the same patterns, I started taking her for granted, acting like she owed me something... We pushed through, got a house, we had two dogs, but things where never like they were at first. there was to much history and not enough time to heal in between. I pushed her away, and this time she was ready to go.
I know exactly when I pounded the last nail into the coffin of our relationship. She was standing at the door, bags packed, holding back tears. She had come to visit, hoping against hope that I had changed, and once again I let her down. Her eyes where begging me to tell her to stay, as I sat in my chair, which felt more like a thrown, coldly staring at the tv. My jaw clenched, just pointing at the door. She left, it was months before we talked again.
I left a big part of my heart with that girl, and it will always be hers. She accepted everything about me, and I that is why I loved her so much, I didn't have to hide anything. She was not perfect, but for a small amount of time, she was mine. I can not thank her enough for everything she taught me, They are lessons that I carry with me everyday, I don't know if we will ever get back together,(I very much doubt that will ever happen) but she will be, and has been the comparison for every relationship since,
Years later I still feel the sting, but with every relationship since I have applied new practices, I try not to ignore when she spends hours getting ready, just to hear that she is beautiful. I send flowers for no reason. I pay for dinner, but I always try to make them laugh, if not just to hear an echo of her's.
That love will be my guiding light. The kind of love where cuddling on the couch trumps going out into the world, because she is the world, I just didn't know how to tell her. A kind of love that is quiet and listens. The kind of love the is unafraid to tell me what I don't want to hear. Seeing the worst parts in me, and still pulling me in for a kiss. These are the things that I look for.
I know you are out there, and I can't wait to find you.
-Micah
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