If I choose to be bad then, logically I can choose to be good. I know this, but for some reason I always run the other way. I have to question why this is. I was raised right, with a firm moral code. Raised to believe that everyone deserves respect, including myself. Raised to think before I act and speak. Raised to believe in compassion. So why have I railed against these beliefs so hard. Why have I broken down and given into the temptations...?
I have racked my brain and all I can come up with is that it is easier. It is the simplest answer to a complex question. It is a shortsightedness I am working to overcome, because in the long run it only makes things worse. It is always the selfish or prideful choice that becomes my down fall. It is a pattern that I have failed to see until now. I am not saying that I should never watch my own back, but I find that I am the most happy when I am helping people, instead of hurting them. I am no saint, that much is clear, but most days if I have something to give, I try to give it as freely as possible.
This is the part of me that I like, the side that I am at peace with, most of the time. This is the side that I hope to feed, in order to chase out the dark. At the risk of sounding repetitive, I will say it again, the light terrifies me. I can see my scars, and so can everyone else. I fear that I will become transparent in the light, that you will see right through me. I have worked hard to make sure that no one turns their gaze towards me, and if they do, I have worked even harder to hide what I don't want anyone to see.
This is where the dark has power over me. It knows my shame, and lords it over me, threatening to reveal those secrets. So what do I do? I choose to keep them secret. I would like to say that I am dragged back into black, or that I am simply swallowed, but every time I return it is of my own accord.
The battle that rages on inside my soul is only visible to the people closest to me. I can't hide it from them, it just takes to much work. I lash out at them, spewing the ugliness that I feel at them. It is a terrible habit and one that I need to correct. (that whole work in progress thing.)
So what factors into the choices I make one way or the other? I have narrowed it down to three things. There are, of course, many more, but these are the main three for me, and they go as follows: environment (outside forces i.e, where I have lived,how I was raised, how people have reacted to choices I have made, how other people's decisions have effected me, pier pressure etc...), how past choices have played out (cause and effect), and finally hope and fear of how the choice will effect my future.
The first, environment, is the hardest for me to control. Yes I can pick where I live, but that is about as far as that one goes. I can not, nor do I want too, control how other people treat me. I know that not everyone is going to like every decision that I make or agree with everything I have to say. That is their choice, and it would be foolish of me to say that these interactions don't influence my every day choices. In the past I have allowed these outside forces to dictate my every move. That has gotten me nowhere. These are the things that unlock the cage and release the beast. I give them to much power. Fact of the matter is, I have enough voices in my head, I don't need anymore telling me what to do. So maybe the first step is shut these outside voices off for the time being. I will never be truly able to shut them out, but putting less focus on them is within the realm of possibility and a good place to start.
The second, is like the Ghost of Christmas Past, It is also the most cloudy of the three. I have spent a lot of time and energy to keep it that way. If I cant clearly remember how a choice played out then I am bound to repeat it, and for me that has worked out pretty well. Again very short sighted. Einstein defined crazy as doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results each time. My logic here is that if I cant remember the results, its like the first time every time. For some reason I, as in me, trick myself into making the wrong choice. Looking back, disappointed with how I handled certain situations, sometimes it is easier to forget.
... And finally my hopes and fears regarding each choice. This is me trying to predict the future. This is the last analysis I make before deciding what to do. Some times this takes seconds, for instance: I wake up in the middle of the night, having to go to the bathroom, my hope is that I make it, my fear is that I won't... it doesn't take long to decide. Other times I will take months to move from thought to action. Laying out a plan, obsessing over it, trying to see every angle, replaying it over and over again in my mind. I can get lost in it, thinking so much about the future that I leave the now in the past.
I can't say that the darkness will ever leave me, but if I chose to shine light on it it will run, it has to. The big question has always been this; is that a choice that I am willing to make...?
-Micah
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