I had to force myself to sit down and write this. If you have been following this blog I have to apologize for it taking this long to get something new up. There are a couple of reasons for this. I have been working non stop for the last twelve days, and I was exhausted. This is an excuse, it is a good excuse, but it is an excuse none the less. This is important to me, with that being said, it is also very scary... to look so deeply into myself, I have found that I don't like what is looking back. I am still torn between what I should be and what I am.
This is not the first time I have talked about the battle wages on inside my mind, and it will probably not be the last. It consumes my thoughts some days. I know that I have the capacity for good, but for me this fact it is a double edge sword. I inherently know when I do good things. I think we all do. I can feel it. It makes my pride swell. As my pride swells, I start to see my good deeds as a kind of hall pass. It's like; if I do enough good, it excuses some of the bad. It always starts out as fun, but soon the bad starts to out weigh the good. The guilt starts to pile up, like a big pile of smelly shit. I begin to feel defeated as I watch what I worked so hard to build come crumbling down around me. This always leads to a heavy bout of self hatred, and worse, disappointment.
As the stress builds, I eventually crack and run as far and as fast from the implosion as possible, leaving a path of emotional wreckage in my wake. This is the thing I dislike the most about myself. I am a runner. I will stand toe to toe with anyone. I have gotten my ass kicked on more than one occasion, by multitudes of people, and I would do it all again, on some level I even enjoyed it, smiling as the blood trickles down my face. I view it as the punishment I deserve. However, if you confront me with some kind of emotional threat, I am gone...
It has been well over a week since I sat down at this computer to write because I was lacing up my running shoes. The problem I am finding is that I cannot out run myself. No matter how hard I try,.. and fact of the matter is I am tired of running.
I lost my words for a week, but I am finding my way back into the light. I have had many people applaud me in the past few weeks, saying they admire my honesty, People I didn't expect, and I can not tell you what your kind words have meant to me, My fear is that I will let you down, because now I have to live up to that honesty. I feel arrogant I type this ,but it is the truth,
I am going to keep this one short, but I am also going to press on, I am two posts past half way, leaving me with thirteen more, the end is in sight and I have a renewed vigor to dive back in, to dig out the monster that has lurked in the shadows my whole life. I will cut him out and expose him, so won't you continue this little journey with me? I promise it will be interesting, and maybe even a little bit entertaining.
-Micah
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